The 80 year old man

There's a quite elderly man who joins us every Monday for the Burlington Rotary club meeting, hosted at the Wyndham. After this week's meeting, I saw the man sitting outside on the curb, so I found a banquet chair and brought it out to him, and helped him up into it. He thanked me, and then replied;

"Son, don't ever get over 80."
"Ok, sir, I'll do my best on that one."
"Don't even let your wife permit it to happen!"
"Well, sir I have a pretty bad diet already - I almost never eat vegetables"
"Oh. Good, you should be fine then."

alcoholic's age

An airline crew describing a particularly annoying co-worker;
"How old is he?"
"Thiry maybe?"
"Oh no, honney he's much older than that."
"It's hard to tell with alcoholics"
"..Or with crack"
"...or astronauts"

I thought it maybe have been a UCB reference, but either way I started laughing out loud once the first officer came back with that quip.

"So where are you going on vacation?"
"I'm going to Romania."
"Oh neat. Why Romania?"
"Why else would a bellman go to Romania?"
--comedic pause--
"... to chase a housekeeper, of course"

Fruitcake

"...overall the lady was pretty weird, but that was just put the icing on the cake"
"it sounds like it was icing on the fruitcake to me."

I think I'm going to start using this expression more often, especially around Christmas time. Fruitcakes are prety funny and peculiar in and of themselves, but it is even more outrageous to put icing on them.

Sethism

"I've realized that I understand 8th grade girls about as well today as I understood them when I was an 8th grade boy"

A quote from my dear, dear friend Seth after substitute teaching an 8th grade Algebra class at Essex High.

I'll take Bangkok over Burlington

"Can you tell me how to get to the Chittenden Bank?"
"Oh yes, sir! The Chittenden Bank building is directly behind the hotel, if you just..."
"Yes I know that!" he remarked sharply, "But how do I get to it?!?! I've been to big cities all over - I can find my way around New York City, or Bangkok - no problem. But for some reason Burlington has some real problem!"
"Well sir if you just park in our garage, on the top level you will be right next to the bank, and you can just walk in the door."
"OK! But is there any way that I can drive there?!?!?" his voice sounding more and more stressed.
"Yes," I tried to say in a calm & defensive manner, "if you want to drive there you can take a left out of the hotel, then the next left at that traffic light, then go up the hill for about two blocks and take another left the first chance you get and then the bank will be right there." While I thought to myself - but why would you wanna do that? Besides you're not gonna find a place to park any closer than our garage.
"What's the name of that street?"
"The bank will be there on the last left onto Pine St."
And so the man got back into his little red car with Massachusetts plates and drove off into the rush hour traffic.

Sales people

The following excerpt was from a conversation between our General Manager and our Associate Director of Sales:

"I signed off on that travesty of an expense account you submitted."
"A Travesty of an expense account?"
"Yes, what was it with all the items listed on there?"
"Well, the people that I usually travel with on these things are a bit strange."
"Of course they are. They're sales people."

I snickered, and the General Manager leaned back to see me in my cubicle.
"C'mon Angie, Paul thought that was funny."

Ho, Ho, jose cuervo

"You must be Mr. O'Brien."
The man nods his head, while his flowing white beard covering up the fact that his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
"My name is Santa." He replies in Holiday cheer, "so, please call me Santa."
Both of the girls at the front desk smiled.
"Here are some presents.. a little early..." he reaches into his pocket and pulls out two plastic rings with a cartoon Santa Clause on them. "I always keep some in my pocket for the children, you see."
"Thank you, Santa."
So Santa picks up his keys and walks away.
"Hehe," one of the girls giggled, "his name is even Kris."
"Hmmm," I replied. "I think he's the best Santa we've had yet."
"Oh does Santa always stay here?"
"Yes, and this is the first year that he didn't ask me where the nearest liquor store was."

Fancy places

The following Hotelism was actually a commercial for a local ISP that I heard on the radio on the way to the hotel.
"Po'ershift gives service all them places up there in the teekies. Most 'them other ISPs don't even know what the teekies is - they thinks is a torch er some'in. 'At's right, we provide in'nernet not jus' ta them big fancy towns that have a mall, like Morrisville or Newport..."

Tip envy

So I drive two Medical residents to the airport and after we get there and I get their luggage out the following exchange occurs:
"Hey man, do you ahve change?"
"Yeah."
"Wow. You're the man with the change," said the same guest that had asked me for change the night before. "Just gimme two back. Is that good? You tell me bud, is three ok?"
"Yes, sir that's perfectly fine, thank you."
Then the other gentleman tips me as well.
"Hmmm," the first man hums, looking over at the second man. "What did you give him?"