Hotelisms

The 80 year old man

2007-05-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

There's a quite elderly man who joins us every Monday for the Burlington Rotary club meeting, hosted at the Wyndham. After this week's meeting, I saw the man sitting outside on the curb, so I found a banquet chair and brought it out to him, and helped him up into it. He thanked me, and then replied;

"Son, don't ever get over 80."
"Ok, sir, I'll do my best on that one."
"Don't even let your wife permit it to happen!"
"Well, sir I have a pretty bad diet already - I almost never eat vegetables"
"Oh. Good, you should be fine then."

alcoholic's age

2007-03-09T03:34:00.000-08:00

An airline crew describing a particularly annoying co-worker;
"How old is he?"
"Thiry maybe?"
"Oh no, honney he's much older than that."
"It's hard to tell with alcoholics"
"..Or with crack"
"...or astronauts"

I thought it maybe have been a UCB reference, but either way I started laughing out loud once the first officer came back with that quip.

2007-01-28T11:38:00.000-08:00

"So where are you going on vacation?"
"I'm going to Romania."
"Oh neat. Why Romania?"
"Why else would a bellman go to Romania?"
--comedic pause--
"... to chase a housekeeper, of course"

Fruitcake

2006-12-19T17:37:00.000-08:00

"...overall the lady was pretty weird, but that was just put the icing on the cake"
"it sounds like it was icing on the fruitcake to me."

I think I'm going to start using this expression more often, especially around Christmas time. Fruitcakes are prety funny and peculiar in and of themselves, but it is even more outrageous to put icing on them.

Sethism

2006-12-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

"I've realized that I understand 8th grade girls about as well today as I understood them when I was an 8th grade boy"

A quote from my dear, dear friend Seth after substitute teaching an 8th grade Algebra class at Essex High.

I'll take Bangkok over Burlington

2006-11-28T09:57:00.000-08:00

"Can you tell me how to get to the Chittenden Bank?"
"Oh yes, sir! The Chittenden Bank building is directly behind the hotel, if you just..."
"Yes I know that!" he remarked sharply, "But how do I get to it?!?! I've been to big cities all over - I can find my way around New York City, or Bangkok - no problem. But for some reason Burlington has some real problem!"
"Well sir if you just park in our garage, on the top level you will be right next to the bank, and you can just walk in the door."
"OK! But is there any way that I can drive there?!?!?" his voice sounding more and more stressed.
"Yes," I tried to say in a calm & defensive manner, "if you want to drive there you can take a left out of the hotel, then the next left at that traffic light, then go up the hill for about two blocks and take another left the first chance you get and then the bank will be right there." While I thought to myself - but why would you wanna do that? Besides you're not gonna find a place to park any closer than our garage.
"What's the name of that street?"
"The bank will be there on the last left onto Pine St."
And so the man got back into his little red car with Massachusetts plates and drove off into the rush hour traffic.

Sales people

2006-11-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

The following excerpt was from a conversation between our General Manager and our Associate Director of Sales:

"I signed off on that travesty of an expense account you submitted."
"A Travesty of an expense account?"
"Yes, what was it with all the items listed on there?"
"Well, the people that I usually travel with on these things are a bit strange."
"Of course they are. They're sales people."

I snickered, and the General Manager leaned back to see me in my cubicle.
"C'mon Angie, Paul thought that was funny."

Ho, Ho, jose cuervo

2006-11-21T12:41:00.000-08:00

"You must be Mr. O'Brien."
The man nods his head, while his flowing white beard covering up the fact that his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
"My name is Santa." He replies in Holiday cheer, "so, please call me Santa."
Both of the girls at the front desk smiled.
"Here are some presents.. a little early..." he reaches into his pocket and pulls out two plastic rings with a cartoon Santa Clause on them. "I always keep some in my pocket for the children, you see."
"Thank you, Santa."
So Santa picks up his keys and walks away.
"Hehe," one of the girls giggled, "his name is even Kris."
"Hmmm," I replied. "I think he's the best Santa we've had yet."
"Oh does Santa always stay here?"
"Yes, and this is the first year that he didn't ask me where the nearest liquor store was."

Fancy places

2006-11-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

The following Hotelism was actually a commercial for a local ISP that I heard on the radio on the way to the hotel.
"Po'ershift gives service all them places up there in the teekies. Most 'them other ISPs don't even know what the teekies is - they thinks is a torch er some'in. 'At's right, we provide in'nernet not jus' ta them big fancy towns that have a mall, like Morrisville or Newport..."

Tip envy

2006-11-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

So I drive two Medical residents to the airport and after we get there and I get their luggage out the following exchange occurs:
"Hey man, do you ahve change?"
"Yeah."
"Wow. You're the man with the change," said the same guest that had asked me for change the night before. "Just gimme two back. Is that good? You tell me bud, is three ok?"
"Yes, sir that's perfectly fine, thank you."
Then the other gentleman tips me as well.
"Hmmm," the first man hums, looking over at the second man. "What did you give him?"

"Casual" Vermont & etc.

2006-10-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

"Wendy hasn't showered in two days; this is Vermont. I was informed things are very different here."

Just for the record people in my Vermont shower regularly, it's the people that live in Burlington that like to offer up personal hygene as their sacrificial worship to their god of ecological conservatism. If you really work for a living, like many farmers and others involved in physical labor, it's almost impossible to not take a shower and still feel like a respectable human. In other Hotel news we have the following story:

(names have been changed to protect the guilty)
"Can I get a bellman to let a guest into room 323, they left their key in the room."
"Fred, can you take that call? Make sure you check with the Front Desk and that the guest's ID matches name on the room reservation."
... a few minutes go by...
"Paul, the Front Desk is busy and so they couldn't look up the name for me."
"OK, I'll go check for you."
.....
"The last name is Orange. O-R-A-N-G-E"
"OK, thanks."
.....
"So how did that go?"
"Oh, the lady left her wallet and everything in the room."
"Ah."

about an hour later....
"Hey Paul, can you tell your guys to keep an eye out for this elderly Asian woman. She's a little short, and she's carrying a pillow with her. Al took the other van around the block to see if she's wandered off. Her husband and son said she wandered off and might be a little disoriented. They're in room 223."
"223? Hmm, Fred just brought a lady up to a room a little while ago, but I think it was 323. He told me that she had her ID in the room."
"Well, let's go up and check it out just to make sure."

....out side the door of room 323
Knock Knock Knock!
"Hello?" A petite Asian woman answers the door, looking somewhat surprised or confused.
"Hi Ma'am, are you alright in there?"
"Yes, my husband and my son should be back shortly."
"Oh, I believe they're actually waiting for you downstairs in 223."
"Oh my, I'm sorry."
"That's ok, we'll bring you back down there. Uh, did you have a pillow with you?"
"Oh yes I did, thank you." The Asian woman goes back into the room to retreive the pillow.
"701 - Located. She was in room 323" Jesse remarks over the radio
"Well, we're gonna have to have a conversation about how that happened." Al replies.

...outside of 223
Knock Knock Knock!
"Oh mom!!!" the younger man smiles with delight. "Thank you guys so much."
Door closes.
"I'm just wondering how she got the ID for that other room. I mean, did the real guest have their wallet laying on the table, and did she just walk in and show it to Fred?"
"Oh man, I hope she still doesn't have the wallet with her!"
"you wanna go back to the room and see if it looks like there's anything missing. I'll go downstairs and talk to Fred and see what happened."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I'm wondering if maybe she showed the wrong ID of if she showed any at all."
"Well, he told you that he saw the ID, right?"
"Yeah, but maybe he didn't do and then when I asked him about it he just lied to me....."
"Conversation had." Al interjects over the radio.

So it turns out "Fred" didn't see the ID at all. He let the woman into the room to get it, but then she scowled at him and asked him, rudely, if she could close the door now, and he just sort of cowered out. Earlier this week Fred put luggage into the wrong room, so it naturally makes sense that he might also put people in the wrong room.

Romanian Invasion

2006-09-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

Well, these aren't hotelisms proper, but One of the girls from the hotel came to Bible study with two of her friends - and hilarity ensued;

"No, for the window you have to turn this crank down here..."
"Oh, this is like the cars in Russia."

"Well I know he says he is a Baptist, but he does not act like it."

"I'm sorry I was not listening. Over there they were saying something that was more interesting than what you were saying."

"Dana sees that guitar over there and she was wondering if she could touch it... well, she wants to more than touch it."

Gosh, there were at least two or three more real zingers. One of which Seth was the brunt of. But the girls came to our Sunday Night Bible study, and we really enjoyed having them there, and it seems like they really enjoyed coming. Study finished at 7:45, and they stayed until almost 10:30. Doug called up Brad and he spoke Russian with Uzzel. Then the next thing I know, Brad shows up and he & Uzzel were talking Russian for quite some time.

Romanian Baseball Bats

2006-09-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

"Is this yours too?" I asked of the three Romanian girls as they collected their shopping bags out of the car. I was holding my snow brush/icescraper
"No. But I think this is." Lori said as she picked up my baseball bat. "Why do you have this in your car?"
"Oh, I like to play baseball sometimes."
"You see, in Romania all drivers have one of these in their car,"
"...but for a whole nother reason." I interjected as Lori & the other girls giggled.

Lori had called me just as I was about to get off work, because her and her friends had gone shopping at the University Mall, but had forgotten that the bus schedule changes on Saturday. I was excited to go, so that I could meet Lori's roommate, who is also a Believer, before study tomorrow night. We had a good time in that short car ride. Praise God for forgetfulness and inconveniences which create needs that allow the brethren to serve one another. When I had seen Lori at the hotel earlier that day she told me that her and her roommate Dana (Dah-nah-not Day-na) had checked out Christ Memorial's website and, she said with that big excited grin on her face, "and we liked it a lot!" I hope they get to come to a Sunday morning service before they leave

Eskimo

2006-09-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

"You didn't know I was leaving [the state]?"
"No. I didn't know you were an Eskimo either."

I had a disagreement with Scott at the desk about the girl who works at the gift shop. He told me she was leaving tomorrow to go home to Old Forge, NY. I was sure he was just saying that to get me going. I had just talked to Helen earlier that night, and she had said school was going well. So she could've be leaving, if she was still attending UVM, and it didn't sound like she had dropped out. The Eskimo bit enteres into it because my cousins went to high school in Old Forge, a magical happy fun-time place for me during my adolecence, and I remember distinctly my cousin telling me how silly their mascot was; the Eskimo. Turns out Helen graduated in '04 and knew both of my cousins! The more I get older, the more the world gets smaller.

complicated

2006-09-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

"So, is there a lady in your life?"
"Well... It's complicated."
"Oh gee! It's always complicated with you, isn't it?!?!"

Burning crosses

2006-09-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

"Well, I don't think burning crosses is neccisarily an anti-religious thing."
"What?!?!" (in unison & disbelief)

"Well, it's like the cross is a symbol of evil, because that's how they killed Jesus."
"No, no, no. The cross is a wonderful syumbol. It signifies the way that Christ was able to redeem us, by offering his life as a sacrifice. If they thought it was a symbol of evil, why would Christians have ever adopted it?"
"Well, I dunno... but I think Jesus would've made a very bad Catholic."
"Well, I'd probably agree with you there."

Garbage bag tuxedos

2006-09-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

"The other day people from the tuxedos for to be picked up, and ther is one left in the closet, that is in a garbage bag, can you go to get it for me?"
"Sure. One tuxedo in a garbage bag, come'n right up."

Serguy's Energy Drinks

2006-08-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

"...you wanna mix up some magic potion for me?"
"Yeah, you might need a couple of those to wake up here, buddy"
"Well I don't have Serguy here anymore to make those energy drinks that contains God-knows-what"

I was in PBX today and I couldn't help but burst out laughing after I heard the previous exhange over the radio between the Banquet manager and the set-up supervisor

Dry Humor

2006-08-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

During my lunch break at the hotel I saw a short segment on CNN about a couple of U.K. Firemen who decided to put one of their fellow fighters into the industrial sized clothes dryer at the fire station. The anchor presenting the story hapened to be an attractive red head (Shannon Cook) who I hadn't seen before. She got a tingle more attractive when she opened her mouth and in a lovely melody of a Brittish accent proceeded to give the following, wonderfully classic and modest stamp of Brittish wit;

"Well I guess in this case having a dry sense of humor at work didn't work out so hot."

This line wins in the category of "Best Pun of the Day"

Maine Island?

2006-08-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

"Why doesn't Maine float off into the ocean and become an island?"
"Because New Hampshire sucks."

This hotelism, actually didn't come from the hotel, but I heard it earlier today from a fellow Vermonner.

A Good bike

2006-08-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

"Here she is. She might not look like much, but she's been on some of the best bike rides of my life."

"A good bike is like a good woman;
As long as you love her, it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks."

Can I go too?

2006-08-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

"Dennis can you go down to the kitchen to catch a bat?"
"What? Another one?"
"Oh! Oh! Can I go too?"

The only smooth paved surface in Vermont

2006-08-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

"All the roads are pretty bumpy."
"Yeah, I have a friend who once said, 'Ya know, the Burlington Bike path has got to be the only smooth paved surface in all of Vermont' ."
"Yeah, he might be right about that one."

Also today I heard the phrase "Are we still waiting for peeps?" used. Somewhat normal slang. But quite uncommon language for a middle-aged buisiness man - when talking to yet another, middle-aged buisiness man.

Earlier this week:
"So, I hear you've been the butt of everyone's jokes lately."
"Yeah, it just goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well I suppose it makes it easier, when there's nothign inbetween to stop it, huh?"

2006-07-27T18:45:00.000-07:00

"I come from a long line of Irish bare-knuckler boxers. Hard headed. This one's been through a cinder block wall before."

The new guy in laundry apparnetly tried to tackle a fellow classmate when in the third grade. He missed, and I guess - by his allusions - ramed his head into the wall.

2006-05-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

"Do you think you do that on purpose, like subconciously?"
"Gee, thanks grandma!"

This hotelism came about when a dear friend and coworker sighed in amusement at the fact that I consitantly seem to have a tragicly poor choice in the women I often fall for. My own darling grandmother has brought me up on similar charges before. I'm almost begining to wonder if they might be right :(